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Funny Taser story

16K views 19 replies 14 participants last post by  Bronco Boy 
#1 ·
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety . WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get a blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries...... Right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than ¾ inch in circumference; pretty cute really (and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself , "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little old thing couldn't hurt all that bad.....I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-*&^%$.....that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,

Tommy
 
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#6 ·
heheheh Oldie but still funny every time. The first time I seen that one I was reading it in a column in a cafe and the place was dead quiet and all the kitchen staff came hauling out and the few customers there all did the 100 mph head whip to see what all the commotion was about as as I was falling out of my seat howling with laughter... I just wish I could have been there to see that happen first hand :D
 
#8 ·
a friend of mine has one of those hand held tazers. they really do pack a kick. oh and i uhhh didnt shock myself.... :cwm30:
 
#11 ·
pick up one of the cattle prods at princess auto!!!
tonnes of fun zapping my buddies.
Note: I most certianly have an irratick heart beat due to the cattle prod.
I zapped my buddies necklace and the charge went the whole way around his neck.
PS 4D batteries didnt drop me, I dont think the charge is nearly as bad as my buddy's tazer. Its 3 AAA batteries and i couldnt remeber him zapping me with it for 10 minutes.
good times.
Rob:finger_1:
 
#16 ·
hehehe Had a friend who bought one for her toy poodle because the damn thing barked too much, funny thing is it'd bark then it'd get shocked which would cause it to yip then it shocked it again, and again, and again... The dog finally learned but it was funny as hell watching the damn thing. We'd try our damndest just to make it bark just to watch the show happen again... OK, I'm also a sadistic bastard, but meh...
 
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