Funny Taser story

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  1. #1
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    Funny Taser story

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety . WAY TOO COOL!

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get a blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries...... Right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than inch in circumference; pretty cute really (and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself , "no possible way!"

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little old thing couldn't hurt all that bad.....I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!

    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

    Note: if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

    SON-OF-A-*&^%$.....that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

    Still in shock,

    Tommy
    "Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
    ~ Jack Handy

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  3. #2
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    Re: Funny Taser story

    I kinda did the same thing with one of those electronic fly zappers. I didnt think it would hurt with two AA batteries in it.
    92 yj 4.0l in progress

  4. #3
    belmont mild
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    Re: Funny Taser story

    love that one

  5. #4
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    Re: Funny Taser story





    If it isn't broken it's only a matter of time.
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  6. #5
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    Re: Funny Taser story

    That's funny! Now I have to clean the pop off my monitor, damn it.

  7. #6
    Following in the footprints of BC's history Lone Ranger's Avatar
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    Re: Funny Taser story

    heheheh Oldie but still funny every time. The first time I seen that one I was reading it in a column in a cafe and the place was dead quiet and all the kitchen staff came hauling out and the few customers there all did the 100 mph head whip to see what all the commotion was about as as I was falling out of my seat howling with laughter... I just wish I could have been there to see that happen first hand
    Matt T.
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  8. #7
    Redneck Beast's Avatar
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    Re: Funny Taser story

    Quote Originally Posted by toynado View Post
    I kinda did the same thing with one of those electronic fly zappers. I didnt think it would hurt with two AA batteries in it.
    Glad im not the only one to try this
    Sasquatch for Hire... will work for beer.
    07 Ranger FX4 - 4.0, 5spd, 1354, 4.10 L/S, 32s
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  9. #8
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    Re: Funny Taser story

    a friend of mine has one of those hand held tazers. they really do pack a kick. oh and i uhhh didnt shock myself....
    1991 jeep xj, 4L HO, custom 8" lift , 36" grooved tsl's , '78 bronco dana 44, detroit tru trac, ford 9 inch, shaved, trussed, disc braked, detroit locker, custom front bumper.


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  10. #9
    Crappy driver...in training raskal's Avatar
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    Re: Funny Taser story

    a "real" man would super charge it and use 10 AA batteries !!!

    /tim the tool man
    ...rob

    When I die I hope my wife doesn't sell all my toys for what I told her I paid for them.

  11. #10
    Redneck Beast's Avatar
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    Re: Funny Taser story

    Quote Originally Posted by raskal View Post
    a "real" man would super charge it and use 10 AA batteries !!!

    /tim the tool man


    Why stop at 10 AAs? hook that sucker up to 230V and have some real fun
    Sasquatch for Hire... will work for beer.
    07 Ranger FX4 - 4.0, 5spd, 1354, 4.10 L/S, 32s
    89 4Runner- Here we go again....

  12. #11
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    Re: Funny Taser story

    pick up one of the cattle prods at princess auto!!!
    tonnes of fun zapping my buddies.
    Note: I most certianly have an irratick heart beat due to the cattle prod.
    I zapped my buddies necklace and the charge went the whole way around his neck.
    PS 4D batteries didnt drop me, I dont think the charge is nearly as bad as my buddy's tazer. Its 3 AAA batteries and i couldnt remeber him zapping me with it for 10 minutes.
    good times.
    Rob
    The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
    -------------------
    bone stock 89 4runner: best mod would have to be the banged up rear bumper and the patches of rust all over her, when am I going to find the time to put in some work on that dang truck?

  13. #12
    Following in the footprints of BC's history Lone Ranger's Avatar
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    Re: Funny Taser story

    Quote Originally Posted by Beast View Post
    Why stop at 10 AAs? hook that sucker up to 230V and have some real fun
    Or just pull out my dad's squirrel cooker, 7200v 30ma neon light ballast he has sitting upstairs and play with that for a while We keep meaning to hook it up to get those little bastards but we're both too chicken to do it (lets put it this way, you touch that and you might as well go grab the overhead powerlines in your neighborhood..).
    Matt T.
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  14. #13
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    92 yj 4.0l in progress

  15. #14
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    Re: Funny Taser story

    That's a freaking hilarious story
    I have also zapped myself numerous times with an electric fly zapper. they pack quite a punch!

  16. #15
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    Re: Funny Taser story

    A guy at work told us he bought an electronic dog training collar,but he wouldn't put it on his dog till he tried it out first...so as not to hurt his dog.He made it to 3 before his knees buckled Strong like ox,smart like a brick!!!

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